I tell myself the thoughts aren’t there but the jokes on me.
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The thing about chronic pain is once you’ve had it for long enough you can’t remember what not being in pain felt like. You only recognize it as ‘not as debilitating as usually’ or ‘very much more fucking debilitating than usual’ so you have no grasp anymore of what it’s like to do things without factoring your pain levels in
and people who aren’t in constant pain think that if you’re having a ‘good pain day’ it means you’re not in pain and should be able do to things. But having a good pain day doesn’t mean you’re not in pain, it means you’re in less than excruciating pain. Maybe your pain is low enough that you can ignore it.
But people who don’t live in pain don’t understand that ignoring it takes energy, and even if it’s low enough that we can ignore it doesn’t mean it’s gone and it doesn’t mean we want to go out and do a bunch of things that will make it so bad it cannot be ignored.
[paragraph breaks added for accessibility]
Sometimes,
all you can do
is lie in bed,
and hope
to fall asleep
before
you fall apart.
William C. Hannan (via kissedby-suicide)
‘You know, he lied to you about loving you, for a while’.
‘Oh,
That’s okay, I lied to myself that I love myself so that he could love me’.‘But darling, he-’
‘didn’t love me, I know’.
‘Because that’s not how it works. You need to love yourself’.
cecilia l. // excerpt from a book I’ll never write. (via thesonder)
trying on clothes is really hard when you hate yourself. liking someone is really hard when you hate yourself. eating is really hard when you hate yourself. life is really hard when you hate yourself